I did not know that a house was built here in Henderson to mimic the Simpson abode. I do have neighbors that look somewhat cartoon-ish, but that's a different story ...
"...the 2,200-square-foot four-bedroom yellow house was built by Kaufman and Broad Home Construction as a nationwide sweepstakes organized by FOX and Pepsi. How'd they do it? Well, for starters, by watching more than 100 episodes of the show, obsessing over 7,200 color swatches (before actually settling on 25), and ultimately choosing 1,500 Simpsons-themed styling props, from Duff Beer cans to the living room's sailboat painting..."
Meghan McCain reveals Dad's casino exploits. Funny, I never thought of McCain as a craps player, more like a penny Keno kind of guy. :)
The recession has hit Vegas harder than almost any other U.S. city, and many avid gamblers, including John McCain, have stopped visiting the Strip. Meghan McCain says it's time to go back...
( still tryin' to get Bob Dylan & "The Band" to write the music for this! :)
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There's strange happenings in my cul de sac;
Somebody took my recycles, and they ain't givin' them back
My garage door was left open, so a midnight knock on my door;
The senior patrol wondering if I'm dead on the floor
Morning comes, I look up the street, the postman's not in sight,
Waiting for my social security so I have cash at the casino tonight
There was quite a commotion on my street last year, a portent of bad luck,
When the street sweeper collided with that ol' garbage truck
Not old enough for meals on wheels or Para-transit; I guess I'm a senior tweenie,
I got this headache, lower back pain,and the doc tells me I need a pill for my weenie
Too conservative to indulge in lefty class envy,
But those bums still get free meals, heath care, and they all live rent free
I make sure my accountant shows my income is less than one quarter mil
I always say he's worth every penny until he sends me that big bill
If I'm envious it's of my neighbor two doors down
His driveway is glazed, his wife has not aged, and he never wears a frown ! :)
My poor neighbor cross the street is always wearing a frown,
He lost his job, had his car repossessed, and his house is upside down :(
My nosy next door neighbor what's his name is peeking through the shade
Man, get yourself a hobby, join the senior center, don't rain on my parade !
It's not easy as you think standing on Easy Street,
I may be older & wiser, but I still have to elevate my feet
I pray to the man up stairs to get me through my daily chores,
Keep me alive one more day and keep those CC&R police away from my doors :)
You will not find these gems of wisdom in any book !!
Don't gamble ever, and especially if you live near Vegas.
At least don't gamble the rent money.
If you still ignore the previous dumb aphorisms, and your urge to gamble is still habitual pathological, then call the Problem Gambler's Hotline for intervention and assistance. I lost their number, but it is in really small print all over the casinos.
If you can't gamble with OPM ( Other People's Money ) then only gamble with money you can afford to lose. See aphorism 7 for the definition of "bankroll".
If you are psychic and can see the future, then race and sports betting just might be a solution to your gambling problems.
If you still insist on gambling then learn how to play poker really, really, really well and /or learn to count cards in "21", except that it is almost impossible to make money consistently counting cards with the casinos re-shuffling multiple decks continuously, even while you sleep.
If you are still "dumb" enough to gamble and you are too lazy to learn the poker or blackjack skills, then stick to the table games like craps ( definitely stay away from the slots, especially the so called "penny games" ) and cry quit when you lose your bankroll, which is probably defined as the money in your pocket plus your maximum credit card advances and debit card withdrawals.
OK, if you still insist on gambling and ignore all previous advice, then move to a state that only has scratch cards. Buy one every pay period where you cash your check if you are lucky enough to find a new job in this economy.
Damn, you are still reading this --- what's wrong with you! Go ahead then and play penny slot games, but you should remember that they were invented by computer science geniuses and behavioral psychologists who know how to take your money as quickly as possible without your noticing it. You will probably run out of money before the cocktail waitress delivers your first drink.
You're pathetic! If all else fails please send 90% of the money you would have gambled to my Pay Pal account and use the remaining 10% ( in a reverse tithing way ) to buy some DMT to very realistically hallucinate that you have won a lot of money.
PS: For those of you who have noticed that there are 10 aphorisms as promised, there may still be a small spark of hope for you: go back to aphorism 6 and reconsider card counting...
But Seriously, Folks ...
So I don't get in trouble with the publisher and with all kidding aside, if you are a "responsible" gambler then by all means I recommend this book to increase your chances of winning or at least stretching out those gambling dollars. Besides, gaming revenues are good for the local Vegas economy and I may have to move if Nevada initiates state income taxes !
( Have fun, and gamble responsibly... )
$5 Mail-In Rebate
March is Dummies Month. Buy a Dummies book between March 1 and April 30, 2010, and get $5 back with a mail-in rebate. See details at Amazon.com !
Today I read that several malls in Las Vegas are filling for Chapter 11 reorganization. I have not mall - walked for a while, but I imagine there is plenty of room at the malls to walk and I would not have to worry about the crowds slowing my walking gate. So, the government sends a very mixed message when it says "spend more" and "pay more taxes". I am still trying to reconcile these mixed messages. Now I am happy just to ignore them. Helps to be on strong meds, if only I could afford them! :-)
Whew! I was afraid that Nevada's two billion dollar shortfall would be covered by the low rollers. But it looks like the state's mining industry may come to the rescue. If so, I will not have to worry anymore about paying a consumption tax when I turn in my chips at the casino cage. :-) Although those casinos who are on the brink of failure can not reduce their profit margins forever. Hotel rates, show prices, restaurant prices, etc., continue to drop, but just to maintain the status quo of visitors. They can't get more visitors short of giving money away. Well, come to think of it, I'm all for that. Gamblers need a bailout, too! :-)
It is a shame that most of the Nevada stimulus package is going to extend the unemployment benefits. What happens when new jobs are not created as promised, and the unemployment runs out. Money lost forever --- when a better plan would be to help create new small businesses ( Uh, tax breaks would be a good first step ) which would do more to create new jobs than any government program could.
To make up for current lost revenues from tourism, a new website offers special discounts for locals. Discounts on hotel rooms, restaurant meals, spas, and clubs are offered: sponsored by the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority and the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce.
This will be a short post about a few random observations: some thankful, some not, on this day before Thanksgiving --- proving once again that advice, ( both good & bad) is cheap...
If you wake up early in the morning either out of necessity or because you have insomnia like me, none of the local Vegas morning talk radio shows are as entertaining ( or "stimulating" ) as KFI Los Angeles' Bill Handel In The Morning ( live Monday-Friday from 5-9AM on KFI AM 570 ). So get yourself a good car antenna, get satellite radio, or listen on the Internet!
In Henderson, where I live, it is OK to not have reservations ( if you intend to eat out, and G-d bless you if you are cooking your own meal -- please invite me over next year! ) for Thanksgiving tomorrow because when the economy goes bad, the rich stop eating out. There will be plenty of so-called "upscale" or "high end" restaurants that serve Thanksgiving meals that will not require reservations. And "black Friday" will have a new meaning, it will mean "bleak" as opposed to "out of the red".
If you are a senior citizen, or even if you can cleverly disguise yourself as one :-) South Point Casino offers $3 movie tickets with a player's card from Monday thru Thursday before 6PM. Go see "Quantum Of Solace" --- it's a really fun movie even if you aren't a James Bond fan.
If you are dumb enough to enjoy gambling ( like me, but I really limit myself ) and you want to join a player's club, join the one at Casino Monte Lago at the Lake Las Vegas Resort, because they have the coolest "free" gifts.
If you live near Henderson and are not one of those Summerlin snobs ( just kidding ! ) the best back East Jewish style deli is Weiss Restaurant Deli Bakery --- avoid it during the lunch hour if you don't want to wait to be seated.
Gas prices will not stay low forever, so enjoy the less than $2 gas for now. Celebrate by jumping in your car and drive aimlessly in any direction so you can enjoy filling up your tank again at these historically low prices! And call this the good old days. Live long enough to tell your grandchildren how we f--ked up their lives with all this national debt. And how we finally sold this beautiful country to the Red Chinese government. And my advice is to invest in paper and ink companies, because they will not be able to print money fast enough!
Sorry, but I had to get all that off my chest. My shrink says it is not good to hold in all those "feelings".
Now, back to your normal programming...
Happy Thanksgiving from the staff & management of "What's Happening, Vegas?" !
There are many unanswered philosophical questions that have plagued humankind's greatest thinkers from the dawn of man and the spawn of woman. Like, when does life begin, how did life begin, what is the meaning of life, is Life a magazine, or is life just a bowl of cherries, or is a bowl of cherries life? --- especially when you add milk and Quaker Life cereal --- the kind that Mikey likes. ( Or, is Obama really a naturally born US citizen, but that is a question I will have to leave for the political bloggers. )
But I digress ...
The ageless question I am pondering tonight is why I was stopped by a Henderson police patrol car at Horizon Ridge and High Mesa last night around 12:30 AM, a few blocks from where I live.
I was not speeding, I had not been drinking ( I don't drink ), but I was in the end of the intersection as the light changed to red. Using a horse race analogy, it would have had to have been a photo finish to prove that I actually went through a red light, and I think I would have won that race.
But this patrol car follows me for a block and when I make a left turn off of Horizon Ridge he puts on his flashing lights and of course, I immediately pull over. I am nervous, not because I have anything to hide, but because I realize that a red light violation in Henderson is going to set me back 250 - 300 dollars, and a day at traffic school. I already had my share of marginal speeding tickets this year and I did not have the energy to dispute them or another stupid ticket.
After safely pulling over and stopping the car, and putting on my 4-way blinkers, I also knew the wisdom of rolling down the window and placing both of my hands on top to the steering wheel in full view of the officer to allay any of his fears of my being crazy or reaching for a weapon. He looked around the car, checked out whether my eyes were bloodshot or dilated, and put his head close enough to mine to sniff for the smell of alcohol or pot or whatever. So I maintained eye contact and smiled at the officer as he told me that I had raced the red light, and that I should be "more careful" because there are "drunks out here" who would possibly run a light and hit me. I was not asked for ID or proof of insurance, which I thought was SOP for checking to see if I had prior arrests or outstanding warrants. He asked me where I was headed and before I could even say a word he answered for me that I lived near here! Then I sincerely thanked him for the warning and said "I know you are only doing your job." So now I realize he probably ran the car on the computer for stolen status, I do understand that part. Or maybe he is my neighbor and I don't know him.
The strange thing was that just before he let me go, he asked me "Just out of curiosity... why are you out so late ? " I was beginning to get somewhat paranoid, because here I am in the greater Las Vegas area, where casinos and just about everything else are open 24 -7. So I honestly answered "I was at a casino". I should have asked him why he even asked the question, but I was so ecstatic that I had not been issued a traffic ticket, that I was just anxious to close this episode and go home to bed. But, today, thinking about it, I wonder why he asked that question and did not even ask me for an ID or proof of insurance?
Maybe some police personnel reading this can explain what was going on? I mean, what if I were crazy enough to answer with a joke such as "I just got back from robbing your house." Would the officer have shared my crazy sense of humor? Or would his next command be "Sir, please step out of the car!"
When things go wrong this always happens to me And I never get no answers Or sympathy They just say Oh woah that's tough
One time in school I failed in history Said to the teacher 'Why'd this happen to me' It couldn't be my fault the test was too rough She said Oh woah well that's tough
What's tough Life What's life A magazine Well how much does it cost It costs twenty cents But I only got a nickel (a nickel)
Woah oh well that's tough
Then I was cheating and my girl saw me She said that she was gonna set me free I said 'Don't put me down now it's you I love' But she just said Woah oh well that's tough
What's tough Life What's life A magzine Well how much does it cost It costs twenty cents But I only got a nickel (a nickel) Woah oh well that's tough
And then I got a call from Uncle Sam Waiting in town to see the tax forms man [went into town to see the draft board man] I thought if I told him of all my luck But he just said Woah oh well that's tough
What's tough Life What's life A magazine Well how much does it cost It costs twenty cents But I only got a nickel (a nickel) Woah oh well that's tough
Is that all you're gonna say to me (Well that's tough) Won't anybody ever listen to me (Well that's tough) You're all against me all of you why don't you say so now (Well that's tough)
- Lyrics to "That's Life ( That's Tough" )by by Gabriel & The Angels ( 1962 )
Vegas visitors: Don't forget, this Sunday is the first day of June, so don't forget to set your biological clocks ahead as much as necessary to adjust for the lusty, busty month of June. Most marriages in Vegas occur in June. So do many divorces.
March went out like a lion Awakin' up the water in the bay; Then April cried and stepped aside, And along came pretty little May! May was full of promises But she didn't keep 'em quickly enough for some And the crowd of doubtin' tomuses Was predictin' that the summer'd never come ...
-- Lyrics from "June Is Bustin' Out All Over" from the musical Carousel
I just love the multi-meaning ambiguity of this title: June is bustin' out all over, indeed!!
First meaning: drool about all the pools in Las Vegas that allow busts to be out ( so called European style sunbathing ). But its been done so many times before, yawn...
June is bustin' out all over The ocean is full of Jacks and Jills, With the little tail a-swishing' Ev'ry lady fish is wishin' That a male would come And grab 'er by the gills!
Second meaning: speculate about how the month of June will be the second month in a row where Vegas revenues are down, indeed "bustin'", meaning that this is the end of the "recession proof" Vegas that we have known and loved for decades.
Because it's June... June, June, June Just because it's June, June, June!
Third meaning: gaping at my neighbor's young daughter -- well, her name is June and there she is, out there, right now, sunbathing, uh, I will be right back, I have to find my glasses.
Fresh and alive and gay and young June is a love song, sweetly song...
(oh, well, too bad she is soo young, and "gay" and I'm married!! - just looking at the birds, honey... )
Bill Handel, host of a Saturday legal advice show on KFI AM 640 Los Angeles, gets a call from a guy who just got married in Vegas. Only problem is: he's already married!
Press play button above for audio!
Marginal Legal Advice Every Saturday From 6-11AM
Bill Handel's weekend show, "Handel on the Law" is bold, entertaining and addictive. Bill definitely knows his way around our wacky American legal system, and with a quick wit and razor sharp tongue, offers up advice to countless callers on a weekly basis.
Syndicated nationally, Handel has amassed a loyal fan base that continues to grow. Bill Handel has been able to couple his passion for talk radio with his experience as a lawyer and the result is a unique blend of information and humor.
"Handel on the Law began broadcasting in 1985. I enjoy it more today than the day I started. Abusing callers, giving marginal legal advice and telling callers where to go is still probably the most enjoyable thing I do other than having intimate moments with my wife...no...it is the most enjoyable thing I do." – Bill Handel
I wonder whether the Economic Stimulus Plan will truly benefit the American economy. Most people who receive a rebate check will either spend it at Walmart which will mostly benefit China, or put it in their gas tank,which will benefit the Arabs.
So, my suggestion is that you take your rebate check and use it for a vacation in Las Vegas. That way, you can assure that the money will mostly stay here in the USA, and stimulate at least one part of the American economy. If you have a choice, fly here, rather than drive. While the planes are still built here in the good ol' US of A. OOOPS! I almost forgot what just happened to Boeing with the recent Air Force tanker contract fiasco. And, of course, the airline industry has to get its Jet Fuel from you know who... what was I thinking?
NAFTA, CAFTA, cocka-doo-da do-dah! I still don't see how these new trade agreements are benefiting the average American worker. Who consulted with Joe six pack when they passed that crappy legislation? We are witnessing both the watering down of the American dollar and the dilution of American culture, all within the span of less than a decade. People are losing jobs everywhere and we are on the verge of stagflation or worse yet, the big "D" word. If you are on a fixed income watch your buying power dwindle down to bupkis. I am beginning to think that there is some truth to the conspiracy theory that says the Illuminati ( the people that really rule the world ) are trying to depopulate ( read: "genocide" ) the Earth to some "manageable" level. As if watching "An Inconvenient Truth" wasn't enough torture.
I'm glad I could get all this off my chest. Just don't forget to bring your rebate checks to Vegas. Remember, most all casinos will cash your US Treasury checks and even give you a chance to double it on their paycheck wheel. How American is that?!
“Right now more than half the revenue in Las Vegas is off the casino floors. It’s very much a market built on $300 hotel rooms, $200 dinners and $100 show tickets,” said Robert LaFleur, an analyst at Susquehanna Financial Group. “Any softness in room revenue is almost a one-to-one hit to the bottom line. Its something we are watching very closely.’’
Since my energy levels have been much diminished lately, I have not been able to post here as much as I wanted. So I missed writing about the Super Bowl Parties, and Romantic Valentine's getaways --- the two hottest topics of the recent season. Nevertheless, I will try to cook up for you to imbibe, some competitive gaming and pursuit of love combinations, but that may be a hard mixture to prepare or digest.
These are strange times. I keep hearing Paul McCartney singing his old song "Money Can't Buy Me Love". How true for him, considering his "Ticket To Ride" with Heather Mills is potentially costing him more than $3000 an hour. Yes, Three Grande for every hour he was married to the beech! How decidedly and emphatically not true for the average Vegas visitor. Here in Vegas, you can get a lot of love for much less than $3000 an hour...
But for those whose desire for intimacy is more social than romantic ( or physical ) may I suggest finding a socially networked slot machine and cheering loudly with your newfound friends during the jackpot events? I sat down at one of these networked slot machines with a group of five Vegas visitors -- strangers who became "friends", just like any social network. Social networked slots are where everybody playing at the same carousel ( can't remember the game's name, but it was not the "Wheel Of Fortune" ) gets a chance to cheer while drinking exotic drinks, for a commonly ( communally ? )shared random jackpot. I played one of these at ( of all places ) Circus Circus - the "newer" casino across from the Manor --- for about an hour --- while waiting for my wife to transact some legitimate nursing business in the Tower. I played the two cents minimum bet, which really stretched out my playing time. I met the coolest people, cheered until I could not speak, and walked ( more like staggered ) away with a forty buck profit. A social experience not unlike the average Super Bowl party, I mean "Big Game" party --- Money and "love" and free drinks. Now that's the Vegas I like. Even Sir Paul McCartney could not have done much better.
With my dominant victim mentality ( I'm currently working this problem out with my shrink, uh, I mean "life coach" )I will blame astrology anytime I can when the Internet acts up, and starting right now, today, it seems to be going haywire.
Blame it on Mercury Retrograde: Mercury, the planet, from Earth's perspective seems to be travelling backwards in the sign of Aquarius. Even if you don't believe in Astrology, be aware of any unusual Internet problems and blame it on that little planet!
At least it is not in Leo, which might greatly affect your luck in the casino. But also be careful travelling to and from Vegas during this period.
"At 20:32 UT (Universal Time), on Monday, January 28th, 2008, Mercury the cosmic trickster, turns retrograde in Aquarius, the sign of the Water-Bearer, sending communications, travel, appointments, mail and the www into a general snarlup! This awkward period begins a few days before the actual turning point (as Mercury slows) and lasts for three weeks or so, until February 19, when the Winged Messenger reaches his direct station. At this time he halts and begins his return to direct motion through the zodiac.
Everything finally straightens out on March 10, as he passes the point where he first turned retrograde. Mercury turns retrograde three times a year, as a rule, but the effects of each period differ, according to the sign in which it happens."
If this were a conventional, middle of the road blog about Vegas Happenings, then I would have been compelled to write about Super Bowl Parties in Vegas ( sorry, the casinos really can't have "Super Bowl" parties, because they can't use the phrase "Super Bowl" ) or the Top Ten Romantic Restaurants For Valentine's Day or some other boring topic. What would be romantic to me is that you are still a couple after last years' romantic Valentines Day meal. Some of you out there know exactly what I am talking about.
But, it is sooo very cold here in Vegas right now, that all I can think about is Global Warming. It is hard to believe either Global Warming or Algore actually exists, or that man has any real effect or control over long term natural climatic changes. What caused the last ice age to end before men owned SUV's??? Living here in Vegas, the environment is surprisingly the last thing on people's minds. Vegas is an Oasis in the desert. We have limited supplies of food, most of which is trucked in; and water, most of which comes from the Colorado River. We are only a few days away from empty supermarket shelves and food shortages if the transportation system shuts down from higher fuel costs ---most people in Vegas think that "Cultural Diversity" is the number of different cuisines ( Mexican, Italian, Mongolian, American, ... ) represented at buffet stations. Lack of water seems to be no problem ---- we are in a ten year drought and nobody knows how long it will be before a lack of water becomes no water --- nobody seems to care. People come to Vegas precisely to stop thinking about theses and similar problems.
So allow me to have a little fun by providing the Las Vegas re-definitions of some common environmental terms coined by all those green thinking people. All in the spirit of raising all our consciousness. (yep, sure )
VEGAS ENVIRONMENTAL DAFFY-NITIONS
Alternative energy source: Those pills you keep taking to keep you awake
Carbon footprint: The size of the diamond on your girl friend's ring which you are tempted to hock to pay for your gambling loses
Depletion of natural resources: You go broke in the casinos and have to go home early ( no carbon footprint )
Disaster relief: Your friend brought his platinum AMEX card
Endangered specie: The lounge lizard
Genetically altered: Everyone you seem to meet at the nightclub before you start drinking
Green peace : That elated feeling you get when you are winning at the tables
Hybrid engine: Your body when it seems to run equally well on both junk and gourmet food
Melting ice caps: In the drink you keep carrying around the casino
Ozone layer depletion: Feeling you get when you have been drinking & gambling way too much and have not slept for over 24 hours
Recycling: Relieving oneself after drinking too much beer
Silent Spring: When you can't hear any noises through the hotel room wall from the couple making love next door
Solar flare event: ( Females only )The need to protect yourself from those harmful UV rays at the topless pool
Solar heating ( passive): any sidewalk in Vegas at high noon in July -- huevos al gusto, anybody?
Because of my advancing age and current medical condition, I am thinking about my own mortality just a little more than I would really like to lately. Thoughts of the possibility of a life beyond the grave arise and fall, and with the tide of my own doubts, comes a fear that I may not wind up in the most desirous accommodations there.
Also, I am lately often asking myself: what exactly does one do with all that time ( some use the term "eternity" )in the afterlife? Do we still eat, sleep, smoke, have sex? If being without a corporal body eliminates the necessity of biological functions, then what is left to do? The mental picture of floating around with a white robe playing the harp and singing without any musical training amuses me. Some theologians and philosophers say that developing the so called lofty pursuits of the mind --- that what you create in your mind becomes instant reality, etc. --- is the way we occupy our time in the hereafter. What exactly does this all mean and who is to say that this does not also become somewhat boring after a while?
I am reminded of the old joke: when I die I want to go to hell, because that's where all the great parties are. Which leads me to the premise: why not model heaven after Vegas? Now, before you say that Vegas is not always such a wholesome place, and how dare I compare it to the Lord's abode, please bare with me ( uh, did I phrase that right? ). Let's assume that in the "Vegas heaven" we can all at least still simulate the biological functions. There is just so much happening here that one just might be able to spend a long time doing stuff without really getting bored. And we can still pursue all the pleasures of life as we continuously thank the Creator for granting them. There could even really be sex after death! The comic's language might have to be cleaned up a tad, magic shows may not be as impressive, etc... but we can all still enjoy them. The food could be eaten without fear of weight gain! The losers and winners in the end would all be equal, since money would have no intrinsic value. (Is that what was meant by "the last shall be first"? )
But, you might still argue, where is the justice and the rewards for those who lead a good life and the punishments for those who don't? Oh, that's easily resolved in the accommodations. In the "Vegas in the sky" I envision, good people would stay at the ethereal version of the Bellagio. Bad people would still live in motels on East Fremont Street.
I really think that there is such a thing as a lucky streak, although I will never be able to prove it. The problem is that most people that experience a lucky streak don't realize it is over, and then their lucky streak becomes an unlucky streak. Morale of the story: know when to quit. ( I know, it is easier said than done. )
I also think that some people are inherently luckier than others, but it is hard to tell if their anticipation of good things happening in their lives opens the door for good things to happen to them. Chicken or egg, which came first?
I think there is such a thing as bad luck, and some people seem to have more of it than others. It just might be their outlook on life that is causing the bad luck, or it just might be their karma. Or their stupor - station ( or stupid situation?).
In the casino the other day I notice that there is a multi reel video gambling game that is called "Change Your Luck" --- it features thirteen buttons, black cats, walking under a ladder, broken mirrors, the number thirteen, etc. If you lose playing it, what have you proved? Does it just confirm that you are still unlucky?
So when you go into a casino with the intention of winning, do you have a better chance than somebody who does not? I think it would be a neat idea if casinos let you play a while for nothing just to "test your luck" and then if your luck is good, you could continue to play for money.
On the highest level of reality there really is no such thing as luck, just the sh-t that happens to all of us living in this relative world. The trick is to accept everything that happens to you as a gift and deal with it. It is called life and there are lessons to be learned here.
One lesson I am learning a lot lately is to stay away from any games that claim to "Change Your Luck".
Important Editor's note: the staff and management of WHV apologize for the poor quality of this post - our chief ghost writer, one Kevin H. Speigelbrecher, has gone on strike in sympathy of the Hollywood TV writers. Either that, or he is wandering Fremont Street East in search of hookers and drugs. Hopefully, the great quality of writing will return to WHV once Kevin returns and the WHV PageRank is restored. Apparently, Kevin took our PageRank with him, and did not realize that it does not have any value in any pawn shop, or as legal tender for any debts, either public and private. We at WHV hope that he scores well on Fremont, and returns soon from his quest because he needs the paltry money we pay him to support his nasty habits. ( If it wasn't for bad luck, Kevin wouldn't have any no luck at all. :-)
Starting January 1, 2008 the newly created Nevada Gaming Individual Fiscal Responsibility Department( NGIFRD ) in conjunction with Homeland Security, will be inspecting and possibly retaining for further questioning, people flying to McCarron International Airport. People boarding any aircraft bound for Las Vegas will be checked against a list of known Perpetual Losers ( Perpetual Losers Watch List ). How one gets on the list of known Perpetual Losers is classified, since the state of Nevada will understandably not divulge its sources and methods. The formula for detecting a PL is also subject to daily changes as conditions warrant, and also how often the Vegas hotels give away free buffets. One can only conjecture that getting on the PL list has something to do with unpaid markers and one's discretionary income being a small percentage of the average daily cost of being a tourist in Vegas ( daily statistics carefully kept by the Nevada Visitor's Bureau ). As an additional precaution, an unknown number of new scanners are being installed in the boarding areas of key USA airports which fly to Vegas. These sophisticated electronic devices immediately detect how much cash you are carrying in your wallet and the current balances on your credit cards. Those who do not pass a certain unpublished threshold may be retained for further questioning. Due to the need to protect the innocent from destroying themselves, authorities are being given unprecedented powers without even the need for a warrant or probable cause. Some of the many routine questions authorities are authorized to ask suspected losers are "Does your wife know you are gambling with your kid's college fund?" and "Do you know when is it OK to double down?"
If a person is on the PL watch list and they attempt to board an airplane bound for Vegas, they will immediately be given credit for any pre-paid portion of their Vegas trip and be politely asked to board another plane for Orlando. Arrangements will be made to forward their luggage.
Someone from Orlando Florida asked WHV for an explanation of above intended humorous reference to Orlando: the second most favorite domestic vacation destination does not have gambling ( at least as the major activity! ).
"This year's top 10 domestic destinations for vacationers, according to Carlson Wagonlit Travel Associates, Minneapolis, Minn., are Las Vegas, Nov.; Orlando, Fla.; Honolulu, Hawaii; Kahului, Maui, Hawaii; New York City; Anchorage, Alaska; Miami, Fla.; Phoenix/Scottsdale, Ariz.; Ft. Myers, Fla.; and San Francisco, Calif."
I was touring the Las Vegas sign boneyard and wandered off the beaten path. I came across a small lamp, a relic from the original Aladdin Hotel and Casino. Of course I rubbed it, and a 3-D holographic genie appeared offering me one wish.
"Before you make your wish" the genie said in an monotonic, electronically synthesized voice, "make sure it is on topic."
"Make sure it is Vegas related. Certain legal restrictions apply in the state of Nevada."
"Why only one wish?" I asked. "I thought you genies always offered three?"
The genie made a disappointed, mournful, minor key chord musical sound vaguely reminiscent of a 3 coin slot machine that you only put one coin into. "Sorry, master. You only rubbed my lamp once, so you only get one wish! Local ordinances and restrictions apply, please send a self addressed envelope to Oscar Goodman for complete game rules. Wishes must be Las Vegas related and on topic. You must be over 18 to play. Only US citizens and undocumented workers may apply..."
"OK, OK!" I said, interrupting the genie's legal disclaimers. "That does not sound like a big restriction, there are a lot of big jackpots I would not mind winning!"
The genie, as if on cue, using some artificial intelligence voice recognition program, immediately answered, "Sorry, master, no jackpots allowed, we are an offshore organization and we are not legally able to withhold taxes and properly report your winnings to the US authorities."
What the heck? I stumbled across a genie with a law degree? I was tempted to ask what exactly I could ask for, but that would have used up my one wish. I was not sure what I could ask for that was Vegas related. My mind wandered into uncharted territories. Vegas fantasies...
"Nothing illegal!" the genie blurted out and interrupted my reverie with a strange white noise echo. It was as if the genie were scanning my brain waves.
"Hurry up!" "My lithium battery is running out!" the genie suddenly spoke with the bandwidth of a cell phone on low battery. "You have about one minute to make your wish before I shut down! Shut down! Down!..."
The holographic image of the genie started to blink out.
So, under the extreme pressure of the moment, I took a stab at a legitimate wish. "Can I have an exhibitor pass to the Consumer Electronic Show?"
"Sure, no problem." said the genie. "Just don't tell them you got it here in a boneyard from an old lamp."
I agreed, and so it looks like I will be attending the International Consumer Electronic Show in January. That's my story, but the genie told me I really can't use it. See you all there!
OJ Simpson faces potential armed robbery charges in Las Vegas. I don't understand why he wasn't arrested since stolen objects were recovered and he admits to being at the scene. I understand that the Las Vegas police have to be extremely careful before taking any action against the notorious acquitted killer of Ron Goldman & Nicole Simpson. His self initiated "sting" operation to recover supposedly stolen items about to be sold or auctioned is really a terrible defense, even if the items are really his, which is doubtful. He seems to have been at the scene of what amounts to a home invasion (breaking into a hotel room) and armed robbery. He has real problems with his story since: the police were apparently not involved in the sting; he refuses to name the people who accompanied him ( and they will most likely eventually turn against him ); and there may be at least one more witness other than the victim who will testify to the use of guns; and finally, don't forget that every hotel in Vegas has cameras capable of tracking your every move.
So I say, OJ, it seems like your bad karma has finally caught up with you. If it is all true, you may be "making up for lost time" (about 15 years in prison). If you are convicted, this will make you another "Vegas legend"; that is, another success story with a really bad ending. And OJ, please, don't tell the police that Charlie did it!!
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