Monday, October 29, 2007

If Homeland Security Ran Vegas

Starting January 1, 2008 the newly created Nevada Gaming Individual Fiscal Responsibility Department( NGIFRD ) in conjunction with Homeland Security, will be inspecting and possibly retaining for further questioning, people flying to McCarron International Airport. People boarding any aircraft bound for Las Vegas will be checked against a list of known Perpetual Losers ( Perpetual Losers Watch List ). How one gets on the list of known Perpetual Losers is classified, since the state of Nevada will understandably not divulge its sources and methods. The formula for detecting a PL is also subject to daily changes as conditions warrant, and also how often the Vegas hotels give away free buffets. One can only conjecture that getting on the PL list has something to do with unpaid markers and one's discretionary income being a small percentage of the average daily cost of being a tourist in Vegas ( daily statistics carefully kept by the Nevada Visitor's Bureau ). As an additional precaution, an unknown number of new scanners are being installed in the boarding areas of key USA airports which fly to Vegas. These sophisticated electronic devices immediately detect how much cash you are carrying in your wallet and the current balances on your credit cards. Those who do not pass a certain unpublished threshold may be retained for further questioning. Due to the need to protect the innocent from destroying themselves, authorities are being given unprecedented powers without even the need for a warrant or probable cause. Some of the many routine questions authorities are authorized to ask suspected losers are "Does your wife know you are gambling with your kid's college fund?" and "Do you know when is it OK to double down?"

If a person is on the PL watch list and they attempt to board an airplane bound for Vegas, they will immediately be given credit for any pre-paid portion of their Vegas trip and be politely asked to board another plane for Orlando. Arrangements will be made to forward their luggage.

Someone from Orlando Florida asked WHV for an explanation of above intended humorous reference to Orlando: the second most favorite domestic vacation destination does not have gambling ( at least as the major activity! ).

"This year's top 10 domestic destinations for vacationers, according to Carlson Wagonlit Travel Associates, Minneapolis, Minn., are Las Vegas, Nov.; Orlando, Fla.; Honolulu, Hawaii; Kahului, Maui, Hawaii; New York City; Anchorage, Alaska; Miami, Fla.; Phoenix/Scottsdale, Ariz.; Ft. Myers, Fla.; and San Francisco, Calif."


Anonymous said...

I deduced this was a joke when I saw you labeled it Humor. But it is not that far off base. The government knows how much we make and our preferences, so why couldn't an over-achiever in Vegas hack into those computers? Then the hotels and casinos would know who was a PL and not have a room available for them. This is like Big Brother with all the hoopla and bright lights. But perhaps Vegas should promote the PLs because that is why they are that way - they are gambling away their future. The smart ones know how to handle their money.
My loot is under my mattress and Vegas is on tv.

Anonymous said...

You ought to include the question, "Do you owe child support? Now that is my idea of a real loser.
A Tampa teacher!

Anonymous said...

Hey, Mike
Perhaps you could give an IQ test to determine who gets entry to Vegas. The smart ones would go to Vegas and not pay the exorbitant prices in Orlando or would they??? Now that could be a Zen koan - much more fun that the sound of one hand clapping.
Keep up the good work; I love reading your blog.

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