Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Mercurial Mike's Vegas Environmental Dictionary

If this were a conventional, middle of the road blog about Vegas Happenings, then I would have been compelled to write about Super Bowl Parties in Vegas ( sorry, the casinos really can't have "Super Bowl" parties, because they can't use the phrase "Super Bowl" ) or the Top Ten Romantic Restaurants For Valentine's Day or some other boring topic. What would be romantic to me is that you are still a couple after last years' romantic Valentines Day meal. Some of you out there know exactly what I am talking about.

But, it is sooo very cold here in Vegas right now, that all I can think about is Global Warming. It is hard to believe either Global Warming or Algore actually exists, or that man has any real effect or control over long term natural climatic changes. What caused the last ice age to end before men owned SUV's??? Living here in Vegas, the environment is surprisingly the last thing on people's minds. Vegas is an Oasis in the desert. We have limited supplies of food, most of which is trucked in; and water, most of which comes from the Colorado River. We are only a few days away from empty supermarket shelves and food shortages if the transportation system shuts down from higher fuel costs ---most people in Vegas think that "Cultural Diversity" is the number of different cuisines ( Mexican, Italian, Mongolian, American, ... ) represented at buffet stations. Lack of water seems to be no problem ---- we are in a ten year drought and nobody knows how long it will be before a lack of water becomes no water --- nobody seems to care. People come to Vegas precisely to stop thinking about theses and similar problems.

So allow me to have a little fun by providing the Las Vegas re-definitions of some common environmental terms coined by all those green thinking people. All in the spirit of raising all our consciousness. (yep, sure )


  • Alternative energy source: Those pills you keep taking to keep you awake

  • Carbon footprint: The size of the diamond on your girl friend's ring which you are tempted to hock to pay for your gambling loses

  • Depletion of natural resources: You go broke in the casinos and have to go home early ( no carbon footprint )

  • Disaster relief: Your friend brought his platinum AMEX card

  • Endangered specie: The lounge lizard

  • Genetically altered: Everyone you seem to meet at the nightclub before you start drinking

  • Green peace : That elated feeling you get when you are winning at the tables

  • Hybrid engine: Your body when it seems to run equally well on both junk and gourmet food

  • Melting ice caps: In the drink you keep carrying around the casino

  • Ozone layer depletion: Feeling you get when you have been drinking & gambling way too much and have not slept for over 24 hours

  • Recycling: Relieving oneself after drinking too much beer

  • Silent Spring: When you can't hear any noises through the hotel room wall from the couple making love next door

  • Solar flare event: ( Females only )The need to protect yourself from those harmful UV rays at the topless pool

  • Solar heating ( passive): any sidewalk in Vegas at high noon in July -- huevos al gusto, anybody?

But seriously folks, Vegas may be in trouble as far as the future of its water supply.


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