Monday, March 29, 2010

Gambling Advice For ThoseWho Have Recently Departed $$$$

The 10 Dumb Graduated Aphorisms of Gambling

You will not find these gems of wisdom in any book !!
  1. Don't gamble ever, and especially if you live near Vegas.
  2. At least don't gamble the rent money.
  3. If you still ignore the previous dumb aphorisms, and your urge to gamble is still habitual pathological, then call the Problem Gambler's Hotline for intervention and assistance. I lost their number, but it is in really small print all over the casinos.
  4. If you can't gamble with OPM ( Other People's Money ) then only gamble with money you can afford to lose. See aphorism 7 for the definition of "bankroll".
  5. If you are psychic and can see the future, then race and sports betting just might be a solution to your gambling problems.
  6. If you still insist on gambling then learn how to play poker really, really, really well and /or learn to count cards in "21", except that it is almost impossible to make money consistently counting cards with the casinos re-shuffling multiple decks continuously, even while you sleep.
  7. If you are still "dumb" enough to gamble and you are too lazy to learn the poker or blackjack skills, then stick to the table games like craps ( definitely stay away from the slots, especially the so called "penny games" ) and cry quit when you lose your bankroll, which is probably defined as the money in your pocket plus your maximum credit card advances and debit card withdrawals.
  8. OK, if you still insist on gambling and ignore all previous advice, then move to a state that only has scratch cards. Buy one every pay period where you cash your check if you are lucky enough to find a new job in this economy.
  9. Damn, you are still reading this --- what's wrong with you! Go ahead then and play penny slot games, but you should remember that they were invented by computer science geniuses and behavioral psychologists who know how to take your money as quickly as possible without your noticing it. You will probably run out of money before the cocktail waitress delivers your first drink.
  10. You're pathetic! If all else fails please send 90% of the money you would have gambled to my Pay Pal account and use the remaining 10% ( in a reverse tithing way ) to buy some DMT to very realistically hallucinate that you have won a lot of money.

PS: For those of you who have noticed that there are 10 aphorisms as promised, there may still be a small spark of hope for you: go back to aphorism 6 and reconsider card counting...

But Seriously, Folks ...

So I don't get in trouble with the publisher and with all kidding aside, if you are a "responsible" gambler then by all means I recommend this book to increase your chances of winning or at least stretching out those gambling dollars. Besides, gaming revenues are good for the local Vegas economy and I may have to move if Nevada initiates state income taxes !
( Have fun, and gamble responsibly... )

$5 Mail-In Rebate

March is Dummies Month. Buy a Dummies book between March 1 and April 30, 2010, and get $5 back with a mail-in rebate. See details at !


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